life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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