i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
