When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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