I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
