is your mom at the bar?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize