i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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