you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
