I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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