Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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