areolas are like halos for boobs.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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