i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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