just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
