Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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