the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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