Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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