Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
