My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
