peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
