i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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