just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
