I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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