I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
