my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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