is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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