I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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