grandma shit on top of the toilet
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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