I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
