I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize