I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
