When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
