how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
