I got chris browned last night
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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