I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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