Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
