If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
