If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
