Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
