What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
