i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
