last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
