In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize