I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
