Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
