I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
