If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
