i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
