On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
