I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
