dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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