i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
