You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
