I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
