i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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