Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
