So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
