You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
