remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
