yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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