just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
