saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
